Today's blog compares love and drugs. Both get you high, make you attached to them, hurt you when you have to let the go, they blind you so that your reality is different, they become all you can think about...

It's Hard To Say I'd Rather Stay Awake

I'm sure at one point or another everyone feels the burden of knowledge. They wish they weren't in the position of deciding how public a certain tidbit of knowledge will be, but they are. That's me. I know something that my friend should know, but it will hurt them. It's bad news and I hate to see them in pain. On top of that, I'm worried that they'll shoot the messenger and I'll have to live with guilt; always wondering if I had made the right decision. Visions of the look of sadness on their face keep popping in my head. I feel like crying, bursting.

On a happier note, it was unexpected, but I finally understand why so many people like Adam Lambert(God he's hot). I am addicted to his song For Your Entertainment.

On an even BETTER note, I finished watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I feel like I accomplished something. After all, I spent over 108 hours of my life watching it. We started Angel AND OZ WAS IN IT! He's my favorite Buffy character and seeing him was THE SHHHHITTTTT!

We Still Don't Know What It Takes to Make It

Okay, here's the blog that is actually meant for today.

"I Don't Think I Love You" by Hoobastank gives me major flashbacks. It relates to my life so much it kinda scares me.

"I wonder what you'll take from me today
Sanity or just my breath away
It's hard to say
Impossible for me to tell
We're always walking on eggshells
Who you're going to be from day to day today"

That is how I felt when I could never tell whether I was still in love with Trevor or I hated him for what he did. It was the first time I actually understood why people say that love and hate are closely related.

"I wish that we could go back
To what we were before
But I don't think that I love you anymore, anymore"

This, I'm sure, is how Trevor felt.

"Wonder why it is that you don't see
What you've changed since we first met
And how much that it's killing me"

This is how I felt when I was talking to Trevor about how much I've changed since this time last year. He said that he hadn't changed since 9th or 10th grade. I was shocked that he could say that, honestly. I can see clear as day how he's changed since we got together; let alone before we were together.

"I know that I will always miss
The butterflies of our first kiss"

That lyric makes me taken aback. The combination of remembering what it was like to kiss Trevor for the first time and the feeling that someone else could put words to how I felt looking back makes me light headed.

"It's too hard to keep pretending
It's too hard to ignore
But I don't think that I love you anymore, anymore

I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I never thought that it will come to this
I know we'll never get back
To how we were before
Cuz I know that I don't love you anymore

It's too hard to keep pretending
It's too hard to ignore
But I know that I don't love you anymore, anymore"

Once again, Trevor's feelings about leaving me.


"What Happened To Us?" by Hoobastank is also my new theme song. Hoobastank just gets me, I guess. Wow, that's a really bad sign...

My blog that I started on Monday but never got posted:

I was right. I am finding Eclipse difficult to read. It's not that it has too high a reading level, it's that it's a romance novel and it reminds me of when I first started it. What part that doesn't cease to strike me is

" I didn't like to talk about that barren time with anyone, and especially not Edward. He had only been trying to save me when he'd left, trying to save my soul. I didn't hold him responsible for all the stupid things I'd done in his absence, or the pain I had suffered.
He did.
So I would have to word my explanation carefully."

The 2nd sentence reminded me of Trevor. When he left me he was trying to do the right thing for both of us.
The 3rd sentence was/is exactly my feelings. Well, how the part of me that could never hate Trevor has felt.
The final sentence was how I've felt when knowing that I had to talk to Trevor about how troubled I was by our break-up for the sake of my sanity.

I'll Try, But It's So Hard To Believe

One thing I've finally discovered: the things that bug me about Taylor are the things that remind me of myself. For example, she'll never be happy with what she has. I can remember few times when I was actually fully satisfied.
Now I wonder if that feeling of complete content was a result of a lie, so I'm struggling to believe that there are really people out there that make each other completely happy. I'm really trying hard to believe that there's even one person out there who will make me happy just by being them whom will be satisfied with all that I am. My plan is to increase my self-esteem so that my belief that I'm not attractive enough to find true love and I don't have the wonderful personality to make up for it will become more hidden. (I don't think that it will ever go away. It's pretty much always been there.) I need to keep hoping that someday I'll feel a feeling stronger than what I felt for Trevor and that feeling will be reciprocated because waiting for my life to be worth living just doesn't cut it.

My Inspiration

Good news! I finally got something out of my unhappiness! I was inspired today and wrote somethings that I thought were pretty good. I always feel insecure about my writing when I reread it, but I still think some of it is clever. I'll post it when I'm not too lazy... I'm chomping at the bit to go listen to music on my iPod so... baiiii

When the Roof Caved In and the Truth Came Out I Just Didn't Know What To Do

When I talk to Liz, she gets more emotional than I do. Then, she yells at Trevor. Next, I get shit for talking to her about what's on my mind in the 1st place.
I feel like crying because I am failing to make everything better. I talk to Liz, never knowing when she'll take something more seriously than I thought and flip shit at Trevor. Now it's gotten to the point where it seems to Trevor that all I do is make he and Taylor out to be assholes to Liz. He feels like Liz's only source of information on him is his word and me spurting out biased stories. He said something about me being a bitch for talking about Taylor in a bad way. He's never called me a bitch to my knowledge. I'm trying not to be offended, but it was meant to be offensive, so... I guess Liz is just another one on my list of people I can't talk to about them.

Yet to be titled poem

I opened my legs as I opened my heart
I let you in, knowing that it could hurt
You seeped into me
It easier over time
You planted your seed in me
It cannot be taken back
Nevertheless, you pulled away from
And leave me sore and broken

I'll Probably Always Have These Ugly Scars

Okay, I'd gone 5 whole days without thinking about suicide. It's something that I'm incredibly proud of, really. Today's thoughts weren't strong enough for me to do it today, so that's good I guess. Sunday's gonna be hell. Consequently, Saturday night will be hell. I'll want to stop Sunday from coming the only way I know how. Maybe making my postcard for postsecret will make me feel better...
What really bugs me lately is the little. Trotter compared to Chelsea, in a bad way. I went through every emotion that Michaela's feeling and more. Stuff like that.

6 Word Memiors

Can't live without my Green Day

Always this ridiculous obsession with love

Not staring, merely observing and daydreaming

I only felt hurt, none noticed.

Wanted to be your Gloria, Christian

I should be doing my homework

Was blinded, wanna see the light

Screw Winona, Johnny Depp is mine

Finally felt safe, warm and secure

Your piercing eyes penetrated my heart

Lost my virginity, can't regret it

I loved, I lost, what's next?

I pray that he'll never tell

I love my best friend more

What I gave can't be returned

Only certain of my sexual orientation

Maybe This Time I'll Win

Within the last 24 hours I guess I've had a lot on my plate. There's a whole Liz thing that makes me scared for my life and for her happiness.
On top of that, last night I dreamt about Trevor and Taylor again. In fact, I dreamt about talking to them, then talking to some friends, and turning around to see them laying down next to each other. This wouldn't be such a big deal if Trevor was wearing pants and Taylor wasn't wearing skimpy clothing. It would've been especially better if my dream didn't take place in a mall. In my dream, I was hurt and I walked away. Trevor didn't understand what was wrong and tried to follow after me (now with pants on) and get me to tell him what was wrong with what he was doing. I just kinda gave him a look and kept walking until I was talking to Shannon. I told her how I felt utterly replaced. Shannon thought that I was being unreasonable and jealous. I felt like crying.
I know it was only a dream, so I can let it go. However, it doesn't help when attached to some other issues.
I officially am crushing on Sam. I'm quite aware that I stand no chance with him, but I havee the little dreamer girl's voice ringing in my voice, clinging onto the hope that he'll like me back. I most definitely am not going to ask him out anytime soon. 1.) I wanna get to know him better. For whatever reason, I'm perfectly fine with taking it, whatever "it" would be, slowly. 2.) It sounds pathetic, but I don't know if I can take rejection. I'm worried that it'd kill my self-esteem that I've been working so hard to get back.
Trevor doesn't particularly like me, but what else is new? I know I shouldn't be affected by this, but it bothers me. He doesn't have to love me or even like me better than most of his friends, but he dislikes, maybe hates, me. I can't really say with confidence exactly why. I just have to deal with it.

Oh Therapy Can You Please Fill The Void?

People allowed to call me a slut without me being offended:
Me
Liz
Maybe my boyfriend at the time

It appears that that's not common knowledge. Either that or a certain friend of mine just wanted to make sure I know what people talk about when I'm not around. Apparently, "Everyone knows what I've done. It's no secret." Additionally, I've newly discovered that I'm the kind of person who would date any freshman that came along and wanted me.

Set Me Free, Why Don't Cha Baby

I am such a jerk. I really let Trevor have it. I'd been so torn because I wanted to talk to Trevor because he saved me and he's really my last hope, but so much of what hurts me most involves him. Finally, I just burst out with everything that nobody has been there to notice. That couldn't have been moral. He already had all the stress in the world and I just piled more stress and guilt onto him. I'm sure that he hurts more than my broken heart and everything it caused hurt. Since I know that he must be in indescribable pain, I want to help him, but I don't want to intrude upon his life any more than I already do. I really hope he has someone to rely on, maybe Tyler or Taylor. It's insanely unhealthy for him to handle all of this on his own.
How pathetic a life am I living? So far today, I slept in until 11, ate a bagel, went on facebook, and listened to Glee songs over and over. Most often Keep Me Hanging On (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-FkSKia-lw). It kinda makes me feel like I haven't been the only one to go through what I have.

I Can Put Back All The Pieces. They Just Might Not Fit The Same.

I just have no idea what to do. Everything was all planned out. I was sure of what I should do until Trevor talked to me. Honestly, it disgusts me that he changed my mind set. No one had even came lose to changing my mind. Yet, somehow, Trevor made me feel guilty. He made part of me have self-worth. Before, I saw it as I was only hurting the people I loved most and I sure as hell didn't get any happiness. Now I have to chose what's right to do. I know I'm not happy, but I know I feel more than I did earlier this week. I know that I'm not so detached. I have no idea what's better for them. I think they'd be surprised to learn just how much I've been holding them back from living fully. On the other hand, Trevor kinda made me feel needed. God, now I'm stressed and angsty again. Will it be worth it or am I just going to go through the painful rebuilding of my life so that I can be torn down again?
On top of all this, now I'm totally intruding. I don't want Trevor to feel guilty and obligated to make it better for me. It's fine if he just shuts me out of his life to prove to Taylor that we're really super-uber over. There's no need for him to waste his time comforting some girl that irks him.

Take This Dream Away

I'm so stressed out that I dreamt about being stressed out. Every other night lately my dreams have been an escape, so I'm keeping up hope that a pattern doesn't develop. I guess it's better than when I dreamed that Trevor and I got back together about a week after we broke up. =/

Even though I'm sure that Trevor is a big part of my stress, I kinda feel bad for him. He has to deal with 3 girls who aren't too happy with him. I know I hurt and I've waited like a good little girl, but should/can't I lay off of it for a while? It must be so overwhelming to try to please us all at once... (That sounded dirty, but whatever)

Aside from all that, science class has become quite the creepy enviornment. The teacher told me that she loved me and kept embarrassing Tyler L. by making references to the fact that he got 100 on the most recent test. On top of that, I still haven't talked to Aaron about whether or not I have a boyfriend. I don't intend to. If he wants me that bad, he'll come talk to me. Actually, part of me is starting to believe that Aaron wasn't the one who wanted to know if I have a boyfriend. I wonder if it was Robert because of him complimenting me and touching me. He's like a little kid, it's so awkward. He's a nice kid, so I don't want to mean to him, but...

Went Full Circle 'Til I'm Nauseous

So, it's the 14th. Today brings me into a land of memories and daydreaming. That sounds happy or fun, right? Wrong. I always end up saying to myself something like "It's not fair" or "He's being rewarded for breaking my heart." I'm so sick and tired of being upset. I really hope it gets better.
I think today is just gonna be another day. He hasn't mentioned today and I can't bring it up. I just can't. For all I know, he doesn't even realize what today is because he's got Taylor and Liz penetrating his mind.
I thought today was gonna be the day that I could finally cry. I thought that today I could finally breakdown and get all this out and it would all stop, but I can't let myself cry. I don't want to make Trevor feel guilty for anything. It doesn't make anything better. For now, I'm listening to music that has always reminded me of him. That's how I'll "celebrate" the occasion.
The first example I'll bring up goes back to before we were even dating: "Geeks Get the Girls" by American Hi-fi. He's such a geek, but that was appealing to Liz and I. It was half the reason we were Trevor fangirls. I wanted to be the girl that he got, plain and simple. I always said "He's got that 'Geeks get the girls' effect.", even when he was around, an entirely not subtle way of flirting. (Hey, I'm a flirt and I liked him so much that I was borderline creepy lol) The best part was that he knew the song and he didn't criticize me for saying that, so it was like our thing. (Wow, over time, we had a lot of Molly and Trevor "things". Haha railroad...)

The second was also before we were dating: "Girl All The Bad Guys Want" by Bowling For Soup. He introduced me to the song and I always felt like the girl. I know, I'm not that badass, but... I always thought of Trevor as singing the song. I know it's conceited, but I always thought that I was this bad influenced that pretended like I didn't want him and he was all fanboyish. (The other Bowling For Soup songs remind me of him, but that's because it's his favorite band and I didn't really listen to them until him)

Next, I'm not sure when Trevor introduced me to "16 Military Wives" by The Decembrists. It was sometime last fall. It reminds me of his strong political side. I found his resentment for government attractive. (Maybe I have issues I need to work out, but that's true)

Fourth is "I'll Cover You" from Rent. Once he watched Rent, he was obsessed with that song. It was the ring tone on his old phone until it died. (I remember missing it when he got his current phone =[) It always made me think romantic things, though I never talked to Trevor about the mushy thoughts about us that crossed my mind. Also, in August, we were in my kitchen soon before he was going back home and we were listening to his new iPod Touch. That song came on and we did a little mushy couple duet thing. (Nowadays I wonder if that even meant anything, but, at the time, it was uber sweet)

The last one that I can think of (though I'm sure they're more when I hear them) is "Hanging By A Moment" by Lifehouse. The Sunday after Easter, Trevor was over to celebrate Easter with my family. At one point we ended up just hanging out in my room. When "Hanging By A Moment" came on, he sang and looked at me like he was singing to me. He'd never really do that to me and it made me swoon inside. I sang back and it was all just so cute.

The beginning of "Gone" by Kelly Clarkson SO applies to my life. It's nice to have music around so that I don't feel so alone.

What you see's not what you get
With you there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there
Your eyes they sparkle
That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn

If I Could Gather Up The Nerve, I'd Put My Feelings Into Words

I've been waiting all day to do this blog (and edit my last one xP)! I think I'm becoming addicted to blogging while most all of my friends have given up blogging =]

I don't really feel like talking about things I can talk to my friends about right now. (Pep rally, my classes, etc.)
Just to get this off my chest-TREVOR AND I WON'T GET BACK TOGETHER if we're not meant to. Whether or not Taylor and Trevor last does not determine whether or not Trevor and I get back together. If Trevor and Taylor stay together for a while, they're happy and I live my life as friends with the both of them. If Trevor and Taylor break up soon, that won't make him love me; that will make him hurt and I'll be there to try and make him feel better(even though this bitchy side of me wants him to hurt like hell). Well, that was therapeutic.

I needed to cry all throughout yesterday. I needed to cry all day today, too. Yet, I stop myself. I am choosing to bottle up all my angst and try to let it out in small doses like blogging and exercise to blaring music.

Somedays she feels like dying. She gets so sick of crying.

For October:
My unlucky numbers: 2, 8, 10, 11, 14
My lucky numbers: 4, 10, 11, 12, 30, 31

Basically, I'm the only one who understands that. Have fun trying to interpret it if you'd like. (Not that I really expect there to be anyone reading this. No one cares. )

I really hope that this is almost over. I need some rest from all of this thought. *spinning anime eyes*

I don't want to have changed since Trevor and I broke up. However, I'm starting to wonder how much it affected who I am. For one, I more commonly talk about how icky boys are (though I still recognize that many guys are really great and get a bad rep).
On top of that, I've become more of a flat out bitch. It's like I use it as a justification in my mind to be blunt and angry and bitter. No matter how often I try to be nice, I'm not. I'm mean or I make people feel awkward.
Other than that, I'm just different. It's nearly indescribable. It's not really good or bad. I'm just not the same.

Well, I guess that that's all that is on mind.

Life's A Bitch And So Am I. Put That In Your Juice Box and Suck it.

I decided to be honest with Ethan over blogger, mainly because we don't talk in person that often and this what I commented.

"I'm not saying this because I'm Trevor's girlfriend or Dan's friend or friendly with Tyler. I'm saying this because it's true. If you didn't want people to read your blog, you should have made it private or wrote your feelings down somewhere else. In case you're socially innept and can't figure it out, people don't react well with being called cunts or being told to die. Since you're most likely one of the people who think that Trevor was wrong because Chelsea is a chick, I can be sexist. Be a man, suck it up and accept responsibility for your actions."

You're a Bitch, But I Love You Anyway

I told Trevor not to get me anything for Valentine's Day. I told him about how his emotional stability, book smarts, athletism, and all-American family make me feel inferior and my mom wasn't letting me spend any money on him. So, on thursday nightish he suggests that he is going to buy me chocolate covered strawberries because he'd heard me say that I I love them. I told him not to.

On friday, when I get to Chorus, I get a pink rose from Trevor. I was taken completely off guard. I figured he knew better than to purposely go against my wishes. My first thought when getting the flower was"I ask him not to get me chocolate covered strawberries and he gets me a rose. *sweatdrop*".

He spends half the day begging me to let him get chocolate covered strawberries for me. I keep telling him "I won't eat them, so don't buy them." Because I felt like a pregnant whale all day and I didn't intend on eating anything that day. When I meet up with him before my lunch period, he has the strawberries in his hand. It killed me inside. I was in a lose-lose situation. Feel like a fatass and feel guilty or reject something that my boyfriend bought and make him more miserable than I already do. I ate them and felt guilty 8th and 9th period.

That night on the phone, he tells me that he's working on my Valentine's Day present. This, quite frankly, pissed me off. It made me feel like, if he has to work on something involving it, it's going to be way better than mine.

Valentine's Day finally arrives and he gives me three more presents. WTF? A cute plushie that's holding a heart pillow that says "Kiss Me", and orange(xD), heart-shaped pillow that says "Luv ya", and a star necklace. Admittedly, he wrote "Don't be angry" on part of the card, but... I haven't known how to feel all day today. On the one hand, I feel like SHIT because his presents were much better than mine. On the other hand, I can't believe he was so inconsiderate and considerate he was being at the same time.

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Mon petit ami m'adore. J'adore mon petit ami. C'est simple, non? Au contraire, c'est compliqué. Je suis un fille méchante. Il est un garçon sympa. Cette situation est injuste. Je ne sais pas que je devrais faire. Je ne veux pas blesser mon petit ami.

Don't you know how hard it's been?

First of all, I'd like to talk about how Trevor can be so stubborn. He's always too busy worrying about my happiness. I can see me sucking all of his happiness away, but he's in denial. Today, he hurt his ankle. He says that it's swollen and hurts even though he's had ice on it since he went to the nurse during 4th period. It's fucking 4:00 and he still hasn't talked to a doctor.

Second of all, dogs walking in on weird things. What would you do if your dog walked in on you masturbating? I highly doubt anyone wants to know how I came up with this topic of conversation, but if you want to know, just ask.