Today's blog compares love and drugs. Both get you high, make you attached to them, hurt you when you have to let the go, they blind you so that your reality is different, they become all you can think about...

It's Hard To Say I'd Rather Stay Awake

I'm sure at one point or another everyone feels the burden of knowledge. They wish they weren't in the position of deciding how public a certain tidbit of knowledge will be, but they are. That's me. I know something that my friend should know, but it will hurt them. It's bad news and I hate to see them in pain. On top of that, I'm worried that they'll shoot the messenger and I'll have to live with guilt; always wondering if I had made the right decision. Visions of the look of sadness on their face keep popping in my head. I feel like crying, bursting.

On a happier note, it was unexpected, but I finally understand why so many people like Adam Lambert(God he's hot). I am addicted to his song For Your Entertainment.

On an even BETTER note, I finished watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I feel like I accomplished something. After all, I spent over 108 hours of my life watching it. We started Angel AND OZ WAS IN IT! He's my favorite Buffy character and seeing him was THE SHHHHITTTTT!

We Still Don't Know What It Takes to Make It

Okay, here's the blog that is actually meant for today.

"I Don't Think I Love You" by Hoobastank gives me major flashbacks. It relates to my life so much it kinda scares me.

"I wonder what you'll take from me today
Sanity or just my breath away
It's hard to say
Impossible for me to tell
We're always walking on eggshells
Who you're going to be from day to day today"

That is how I felt when I could never tell whether I was still in love with Trevor or I hated him for what he did. It was the first time I actually understood why people say that love and hate are closely related.

"I wish that we could go back
To what we were before
But I don't think that I love you anymore, anymore"

This, I'm sure, is how Trevor felt.

"Wonder why it is that you don't see
What you've changed since we first met
And how much that it's killing me"

This is how I felt when I was talking to Trevor about how much I've changed since this time last year. He said that he hadn't changed since 9th or 10th grade. I was shocked that he could say that, honestly. I can see clear as day how he's changed since we got together; let alone before we were together.

"I know that I will always miss
The butterflies of our first kiss"

That lyric makes me taken aback. The combination of remembering what it was like to kiss Trevor for the first time and the feeling that someone else could put words to how I felt looking back makes me light headed.

"It's too hard to keep pretending
It's too hard to ignore
But I don't think that I love you anymore, anymore

I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I never thought that it will come to this
I know we'll never get back
To how we were before
Cuz I know that I don't love you anymore

It's too hard to keep pretending
It's too hard to ignore
But I know that I don't love you anymore, anymore"

Once again, Trevor's feelings about leaving me.


"What Happened To Us?" by Hoobastank is also my new theme song. Hoobastank just gets me, I guess. Wow, that's a really bad sign...

My blog that I started on Monday but never got posted:

I was right. I am finding Eclipse difficult to read. It's not that it has too high a reading level, it's that it's a romance novel and it reminds me of when I first started it. What part that doesn't cease to strike me is

" I didn't like to talk about that barren time with anyone, and especially not Edward. He had only been trying to save me when he'd left, trying to save my soul. I didn't hold him responsible for all the stupid things I'd done in his absence, or the pain I had suffered.
He did.
So I would have to word my explanation carefully."

The 2nd sentence reminded me of Trevor. When he left me he was trying to do the right thing for both of us.
The 3rd sentence was/is exactly my feelings. Well, how the part of me that could never hate Trevor has felt.
The final sentence was how I've felt when knowing that I had to talk to Trevor about how troubled I was by our break-up for the sake of my sanity.

I'll Try, But It's So Hard To Believe

One thing I've finally discovered: the things that bug me about Taylor are the things that remind me of myself. For example, she'll never be happy with what she has. I can remember few times when I was actually fully satisfied.
Now I wonder if that feeling of complete content was a result of a lie, so I'm struggling to believe that there are really people out there that make each other completely happy. I'm really trying hard to believe that there's even one person out there who will make me happy just by being them whom will be satisfied with all that I am. My plan is to increase my self-esteem so that my belief that I'm not attractive enough to find true love and I don't have the wonderful personality to make up for it will become more hidden. (I don't think that it will ever go away. It's pretty much always been there.) I need to keep hoping that someday I'll feel a feeling stronger than what I felt for Trevor and that feeling will be reciprocated because waiting for my life to be worth living just doesn't cut it.