Maybe This Time I'll Win

Within the last 24 hours I guess I've had a lot on my plate. There's a whole Liz thing that makes me scared for my life and for her happiness.
On top of that, last night I dreamt about Trevor and Taylor again. In fact, I dreamt about talking to them, then talking to some friends, and turning around to see them laying down next to each other. This wouldn't be such a big deal if Trevor was wearing pants and Taylor wasn't wearing skimpy clothing. It would've been especially better if my dream didn't take place in a mall. In my dream, I was hurt and I walked away. Trevor didn't understand what was wrong and tried to follow after me (now with pants on) and get me to tell him what was wrong with what he was doing. I just kinda gave him a look and kept walking until I was talking to Shannon. I told her how I felt utterly replaced. Shannon thought that I was being unreasonable and jealous. I felt like crying.
I know it was only a dream, so I can let it go. However, it doesn't help when attached to some other issues.
I officially am crushing on Sam. I'm quite aware that I stand no chance with him, but I havee the little dreamer girl's voice ringing in my voice, clinging onto the hope that he'll like me back. I most definitely am not going to ask him out anytime soon. 1.) I wanna get to know him better. For whatever reason, I'm perfectly fine with taking it, whatever "it" would be, slowly. 2.) It sounds pathetic, but I don't know if I can take rejection. I'm worried that it'd kill my self-esteem that I've been working so hard to get back.
Trevor doesn't particularly like me, but what else is new? I know I shouldn't be affected by this, but it bothers me. He doesn't have to love me or even like me better than most of his friends, but he dislikes, maybe hates, me. I can't really say with confidence exactly why. I just have to deal with it.

Oh Therapy Can You Please Fill The Void?

People allowed to call me a slut without me being offended:
Me
Liz
Maybe my boyfriend at the time

It appears that that's not common knowledge. Either that or a certain friend of mine just wanted to make sure I know what people talk about when I'm not around. Apparently, "Everyone knows what I've done. It's no secret." Additionally, I've newly discovered that I'm the kind of person who would date any freshman that came along and wanted me.

Set Me Free, Why Don't Cha Baby

I am such a jerk. I really let Trevor have it. I'd been so torn because I wanted to talk to Trevor because he saved me and he's really my last hope, but so much of what hurts me most involves him. Finally, I just burst out with everything that nobody has been there to notice. That couldn't have been moral. He already had all the stress in the world and I just piled more stress and guilt onto him. I'm sure that he hurts more than my broken heart and everything it caused hurt. Since I know that he must be in indescribable pain, I want to help him, but I don't want to intrude upon his life any more than I already do. I really hope he has someone to rely on, maybe Tyler or Taylor. It's insanely unhealthy for him to handle all of this on his own.
How pathetic a life am I living? So far today, I slept in until 11, ate a bagel, went on facebook, and listened to Glee songs over and over. Most often Keep Me Hanging On (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-FkSKia-lw). It kinda makes me feel like I haven't been the only one to go through what I have.

I Can Put Back All The Pieces. They Just Might Not Fit The Same.

I just have no idea what to do. Everything was all planned out. I was sure of what I should do until Trevor talked to me. Honestly, it disgusts me that he changed my mind set. No one had even came lose to changing my mind. Yet, somehow, Trevor made me feel guilty. He made part of me have self-worth. Before, I saw it as I was only hurting the people I loved most and I sure as hell didn't get any happiness. Now I have to chose what's right to do. I know I'm not happy, but I know I feel more than I did earlier this week. I know that I'm not so detached. I have no idea what's better for them. I think they'd be surprised to learn just how much I've been holding them back from living fully. On the other hand, Trevor kinda made me feel needed. God, now I'm stressed and angsty again. Will it be worth it or am I just going to go through the painful rebuilding of my life so that I can be torn down again?
On top of all this, now I'm totally intruding. I don't want Trevor to feel guilty and obligated to make it better for me. It's fine if he just shuts me out of his life to prove to Taylor that we're really super-uber over. There's no need for him to waste his time comforting some girl that irks him.

Take This Dream Away

I'm so stressed out that I dreamt about being stressed out. Every other night lately my dreams have been an escape, so I'm keeping up hope that a pattern doesn't develop. I guess it's better than when I dreamed that Trevor and I got back together about a week after we broke up. =/

Even though I'm sure that Trevor is a big part of my stress, I kinda feel bad for him. He has to deal with 3 girls who aren't too happy with him. I know I hurt and I've waited like a good little girl, but should/can't I lay off of it for a while? It must be so overwhelming to try to please us all at once... (That sounded dirty, but whatever)

Aside from all that, science class has become quite the creepy enviornment. The teacher told me that she loved me and kept embarrassing Tyler L. by making references to the fact that he got 100 on the most recent test. On top of that, I still haven't talked to Aaron about whether or not I have a boyfriend. I don't intend to. If he wants me that bad, he'll come talk to me. Actually, part of me is starting to believe that Aaron wasn't the one who wanted to know if I have a boyfriend. I wonder if it was Robert because of him complimenting me and touching me. He's like a little kid, it's so awkward. He's a nice kid, so I don't want to mean to him, but...

Went Full Circle 'Til I'm Nauseous

So, it's the 14th. Today brings me into a land of memories and daydreaming. That sounds happy or fun, right? Wrong. I always end up saying to myself something like "It's not fair" or "He's being rewarded for breaking my heart." I'm so sick and tired of being upset. I really hope it gets better.
I think today is just gonna be another day. He hasn't mentioned today and I can't bring it up. I just can't. For all I know, he doesn't even realize what today is because he's got Taylor and Liz penetrating his mind.
I thought today was gonna be the day that I could finally cry. I thought that today I could finally breakdown and get all this out and it would all stop, but I can't let myself cry. I don't want to make Trevor feel guilty for anything. It doesn't make anything better. For now, I'm listening to music that has always reminded me of him. That's how I'll "celebrate" the occasion.
The first example I'll bring up goes back to before we were even dating: "Geeks Get the Girls" by American Hi-fi. He's such a geek, but that was appealing to Liz and I. It was half the reason we were Trevor fangirls. I wanted to be the girl that he got, plain and simple. I always said "He's got that 'Geeks get the girls' effect.", even when he was around, an entirely not subtle way of flirting. (Hey, I'm a flirt and I liked him so much that I was borderline creepy lol) The best part was that he knew the song and he didn't criticize me for saying that, so it was like our thing. (Wow, over time, we had a lot of Molly and Trevor "things". Haha railroad...)

The second was also before we were dating: "Girl All The Bad Guys Want" by Bowling For Soup. He introduced me to the song and I always felt like the girl. I know, I'm not that badass, but... I always thought of Trevor as singing the song. I know it's conceited, but I always thought that I was this bad influenced that pretended like I didn't want him and he was all fanboyish. (The other Bowling For Soup songs remind me of him, but that's because it's his favorite band and I didn't really listen to them until him)

Next, I'm not sure when Trevor introduced me to "16 Military Wives" by The Decembrists. It was sometime last fall. It reminds me of his strong political side. I found his resentment for government attractive. (Maybe I have issues I need to work out, but that's true)

Fourth is "I'll Cover You" from Rent. Once he watched Rent, he was obsessed with that song. It was the ring tone on his old phone until it died. (I remember missing it when he got his current phone =[) It always made me think romantic things, though I never talked to Trevor about the mushy thoughts about us that crossed my mind. Also, in August, we were in my kitchen soon before he was going back home and we were listening to his new iPod Touch. That song came on and we did a little mushy couple duet thing. (Nowadays I wonder if that even meant anything, but, at the time, it was uber sweet)

The last one that I can think of (though I'm sure they're more when I hear them) is "Hanging By A Moment" by Lifehouse. The Sunday after Easter, Trevor was over to celebrate Easter with my family. At one point we ended up just hanging out in my room. When "Hanging By A Moment" came on, he sang and looked at me like he was singing to me. He'd never really do that to me and it made me swoon inside. I sang back and it was all just so cute.

The beginning of "Gone" by Kelly Clarkson SO applies to my life. It's nice to have music around so that I don't feel so alone.

What you see's not what you get
With you there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there
Your eyes they sparkle
That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for
In this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn

If I Could Gather Up The Nerve, I'd Put My Feelings Into Words

I've been waiting all day to do this blog (and edit my last one xP)! I think I'm becoming addicted to blogging while most all of my friends have given up blogging =]

I don't really feel like talking about things I can talk to my friends about right now. (Pep rally, my classes, etc.)
Just to get this off my chest-TREVOR AND I WON'T GET BACK TOGETHER if we're not meant to. Whether or not Taylor and Trevor last does not determine whether or not Trevor and I get back together. If Trevor and Taylor stay together for a while, they're happy and I live my life as friends with the both of them. If Trevor and Taylor break up soon, that won't make him love me; that will make him hurt and I'll be there to try and make him feel better(even though this bitchy side of me wants him to hurt like hell). Well, that was therapeutic.

I needed to cry all throughout yesterday. I needed to cry all day today, too. Yet, I stop myself. I am choosing to bottle up all my angst and try to let it out in small doses like blogging and exercise to blaring music.

Somedays she feels like dying. She gets so sick of crying.

For October:
My unlucky numbers: 2, 8, 10, 11, 14
My lucky numbers: 4, 10, 11, 12, 30, 31

Basically, I'm the only one who understands that. Have fun trying to interpret it if you'd like. (Not that I really expect there to be anyone reading this. No one cares. )

I really hope that this is almost over. I need some rest from all of this thought. *spinning anime eyes*

I don't want to have changed since Trevor and I broke up. However, I'm starting to wonder how much it affected who I am. For one, I more commonly talk about how icky boys are (though I still recognize that many guys are really great and get a bad rep).
On top of that, I've become more of a flat out bitch. It's like I use it as a justification in my mind to be blunt and angry and bitter. No matter how often I try to be nice, I'm not. I'm mean or I make people feel awkward.
Other than that, I'm just different. It's nearly indescribable. It's not really good or bad. I'm just not the same.

Well, I guess that that's all that is on mind.