Got Nothing Against You And Surely I Miss You

Nothing too interesting to post. John and Martha weren't acting as bad as they usually do, but I was still annoyed by them. I could've easily enjoyed the night with Martha, we used to be pretty close and I trusted her a lot more than most sisters do, so it could've just gone back to normal. But John's presence always makes Martha stressed out somehow. Today was pretty normal until Boppie got here around 4. She took us out to the Olive Garden and we ate til it hurt haha. Then she dropped us off at the library for today's teen program. The pirate luau was fun. I was thrilled to find that for once I could do a craft easily and Jill struggled. Jill's always more artistically inclined than I am. Tomorrow's the day I get to talk to Jon. I've been counting the hours and I'm sure tomorrow I'll be glued to my cell haha

My Heart's Always With You

I decided to blog about my time while Jon's gone so I don't forget as much of it. I wanna tell him all about my week when he gets back cause I know he'll listen to whatever I have to say. He's really great like that.

Anyways, I stopped talking to Jon on friday around 4. I tried to put him out of my mind. I went bowling that night, expecting to be with only Evelyn and Jill. Then later I discovered Ethan was already at the alley, so he chilled with us. We were playing with one of the machines when Trevor and Kristen showed up. Surprise! Trevor and I had the whole "Oooooh look at the orange flower moment" and then we got a lane. Soon after, Evelyn and Sam showed up. But Trevor and Ethan have such a poor relationship that I spent pretty much the rest of the nice laughing with Ethan and Jill and drinking Amp. After the bowling trip, Evelyn and Jill slept over. Evelyn fell asleep at 2:30ish and Jill and I talked and ate trail mix til 5:30!

Naturally, I ignored my better judgment that told me to go to sleep early so I could get up for my shift at the library from 11-3. So I got up just before 10 and didn't get ready for my shift til 10:30. I showered very quickly for me, but didn't have time to eat breakfast. So I spent my shift talking to the other person there, being bored, being tired, and thinking about food. And of course when my shift was finally over I had to wait another hour at the library because my mom's hair appointment moved up a half hour, keeping her from picking me up. And my dad? He was just too lazy to drive less than 3 miles to pick me up. So when I finally got home I was like "FOOOOOOOOD!". Later, I found myself napping. Every time my phone went off during this nap, I forced myself to be awake enough to see if it was somehow Jon. It never was, so I just went back to sleep.

Sunday was the most boring and probably most painful day. I slept in as late as possible because I knew I wasn't going to do much. I ended up going to the mall with my mom, though. We didn't shop for me. I was just there to make sure my mom didn't pick out the ugliest dress there was and to find my dad some shirts that I could be sure wouldn't embarrass me. I got all cocky when I found out that my dad liked what we picked out despite his finicky attitude towards clothes. Oh and when we passed the music store in Colonie Center, I imagined the look on Jon's face if he were there, longing to go look at the instruments. I spent the rest of the day just entertaining myself and thinking about Jon til I felt incredibly pathetic.

Monday wasn't as hard going without talking to him as the others. I had a lot of distractions. I had Jill over and talked to her at my house, not really doing anything in particular til 3ish. Then we walked to the wall to meet up with Dan. We ate some of his birthday cake and talked more til Jill and I needed to go to the Sand Lake Kiwanis meeting. At said meeting I asked chacha what Joe from Sand Lake Kiwanis' last name was cause Jill and I forgot. Chacha answered correctly. And throughout the meeting there were MANY MANY MANY awkward moments. Mainly with old people talking about sex. Like this one guy they nicknamed Lucky Fred for winning the raffles over and over and someone asked "Are you lucky Fred?". Fred replied "Once a year". And another time this guy read the words on my tits. And later they started talking about some mythical Jewish gynecologist. Why? I have no idea.

Yesterday went by okay. It was a LOOOOOOONG day. I had a shift at the library from 11-1 with Hannah which was alright, pretty boring. Then I had a shift with a girl I;d never met named Cara from 1-3 which was insanely boring. During my 1-3 shift I got texts from this random girl asking me if I could cover another 2 hours for her that night and 2 today. I agreed, so I went home around 3 and had to come back for a shift from 5-7. I met this girl named Rebecca. She was pretty cool and very talkative, so the shift seemed about an hour long.

Today my parents leave for a trip somewhere in NY I've never been. They haven't even packed yet. That sounds smart, right? So it's kinda hectic. Martha and John(my older sister and her boyfriend) are watching us until Boppie(my grandmother) comes to watch us sometime tomorrow. John doesn't get here til 6 and leaves within 24 hours, but I don't want that scum in my house. He was pretty much a nuisance as it was, but now knowing how unfaithful he is to Martha makes me too repulsed to welcome him in my house. I probably won't say anything though, I'll just glare and refuse to be in the same room as him. Part of me wants to prank him in his sleep, but I know he's a light sleeper.

Things in common amongst all the days he's been gone:
Well, obviously I've missed him.
I've been reading Eclipse. I read until it hurts too much. When I'm not being reminded of Jon, I'm thinking about the people that I dated before him and all the bullshit I went through with or because of them.
I've been thinking of him while listening to Katy Perry's new song Teenage Dream.

Ultimate Silly Bandz List

Rocket ships
http://www.newdimensions1.com/toysstore/space-glow-fun-bandz.html

Pussies
http://www.newdimensions1.com/toysstore/cats-glitter-fun-bandz.html

A bananas, a lemon, and a peach
http://www.newdimensions1.com/toysstore/fruits-fun-bandz.html

Boxers
http://www.newdimensions1.com/toysstore/beach-fun-bandz.html

Buckin' Bronco
https://brainchild.bcplabs.net/product-details.php?prod_id=454

Crabs
https://brainchild.bcplabs.net/product-details.php?prod_id=465

I Bet You Can't Keep Up With, With Fashionistas

I've actually been looking at models, so I felt like sharing

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkgDQY3VZiQZQxG6_IGpSpwHdwkTo_km2Th8W2JsncnIh6_rschtaWN2QRzMCVViQM9lR4sGHeTBhVCglxhle19YK8d25uHTJZPgk9i1vriotFU-UtCfFb-H5n9wQi3BwxNPzqdVd1c1bn/s1600-h/DSC_3599%5B5%5D.jpg

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxYWRJJVxFRgWMx674jVt3GSWhHiGp4rC98ANLYfWGt2PVmRFnoYXoT__O-IYPCO2VvnwovmqUftE3n6Qa8BDk21EEPfEXI0-WplZQRJu4XOiW5KsijG5GLBrvZakUSVF-TbWkbRNxwkc/s1600/Adam+Miller+por+Rick+Day+002.jpg

http://www.yvymag.com/2010/05/lui-italia-luis-carlos-aguayo/cover6/

http://adamnewyork.blogspot.com/2010/05/jase-beard-for-idol-mag.html

http://modelsbydidio.blogspot.com/2010/05/pure-brazil-part-2.html?zx=4dce6e67ae28cf89

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFgfYpUE7qyyepPKxJpQTlwBbsstt0VR5cGLJsc5HLNihd_L87TCbtDqdTVcOQs_Q5y58cL-Ftr77Adv_pi4Es8grQXdiCaXJQLJ5d6ch7Eb7I57b2gDQ7yKRIugcKc_DY7bYoO7UMNm2H/s1600-h/DSC_3589%5B4%5D.jpg

http://www.markusklinko-indrani.com/

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=3292943&id=249251868450

Favorite Post Secrets

http://cdn.buzznet.com/media-cdn/jj1/headlines/2007/03/post-secret-mystery-celebrity-dad.jpg

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2215/2394160564_0f00e09116.jpg&imgrefurl=http://bluezmama.blogspot.com/2008/04/postsecret-delve-deep-into-human-psyche.html&usg=__UVqTur44aZ-swLogmoeNV1k0r6g=&h=475&w=382&sz=72&hl=en&start=16&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=cWQ7t7ydiNV_mM:&tbnh=129&tbnw=104&prev=/images%3Fq%3DPostsecret%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26tbs%3Disch:1

http://popisdead.vox.com/library/photo/6a00c2252896b98fdb00f48d0393e30001.html

http://popisdead.vox.com/library/photo/6a00c2252896b98fdb00e398b500b10002.html

http://popisdead.vox.com/library/photo/6a00c2252896b98fdb00d4143785653c7f.html

http://popisdead.vox.com/library/photo/6a00c2252896b98fdb00d09e6b5451be2b.html

http://rainbowtatt.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/08-09-18-postsecret-369x500.jpg

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiG0TpGCCQI456OuRWCdkpQsLUS4r5p4U5Ol3DwNlCplGpjZv2PvgJt2AjsP2ES6Qxd5rqWcOm3O19tIq9RbgCVqito4i5KBsFCJrH_6DzfCWf7D2K3xxppjPN5eoLrp6DKjkH-5Wgsuy0/s400/postsecret.jpg

http://mikemywords.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/baby.jpg?w=300

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixDE0uZ5I90Xn_nVL8nAbxfXrh376ZyHxmp1_CI8FEVHrMoIsyupOahRerA2xq9UhHNaXzTPPfGJCwJwpbJ3xmTPhVXP4O0lwLQa6QwEtePVXIFvXrMhRCxaPlEkTqEW3WIuMTE6thoec/s1600-h/screen.jpg

http://blog.mikeschappaugh.com/image/andtheytastegood.jpg

http://www.petwellbeingblog.com/uploaded_images/postsecret-759148.jpg

http://gyp.impulzus.com/blog_stuffz/postsecret.jpg

http://fashiontribes.typepad.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/post_secret_vd_aftermath.jpg
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpQ_4S6v9p840dr1KASEY6AOxn6k4GIpjAB8cXvzKhWBqJJPbGCqxq4c2NU66lm_fH_XuSNkiwJpmr5MLhyb2NHooo-_8HZ8opIYQkBYgElcvWxS94Uc38Y4LoqdYQAPaWIOwQDsMQ96EN/s1600-h/postsecret1.jpg

http://cdn.mashable.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/postsecret-collage1.jpg

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/SV_QL5sN6WI/AAAAAAAAHo8/hfjhbXz08T8/s400/www.petitiontocuresma.com.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.elementalsource.com/drupal6/node/29&usg=__5AqdOo-HNjHJofw4ziDRc-gSD_4=&h=348&w=400&sz=41&hl=en&start=80&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=yub5f238NMxrqM:&tbnh=108&tbnw=124&prev=/images%3Fq%3DPostsecret%26start%3D60%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26ndsp%3D20%26tbs%3Disch:1

http://erhatfield.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/underany.jpg

http://www.havecoffeewillwrite.com/wp-content/postsecret061204.jpg

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d134/EdensEmbers/PostSecret2.jpg&imgrefurl=http://andimorales.blogspot.com/2009/04/postsecret.html&usg=__0EXMDVP2SdVxA9pV3bZfg4Ye_eA=&h=313&w=444&sz=56&hl=en&start=94&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=RvnWGknpjKpUoM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=127&prev=/images%3Fq%3DPostsecret%26start%3D80%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26ndsp%3D20%26tbs%3Disch:1

"I think it's really cute that you think I don't know all of what I've said about you, almost as cute as how you much attention you crave =3" My next response

"I admit to calling you a lot of negative words, but whore is not one of them. You don't even put out, so stop assuming and putting words into my mouth" This is what I told Taylor via formspring WITH my name attached. I'm documenting it now so it can't be denied

When All I Needed Was the Truth

12 Truths:

1.) I am so loud, obnoxious, and outgoing because I want people to reject me right off the bat rather than when I've grown attached to them.
2.) Even though I'm bi, when I discover that someone else has taken on the label "bisexual", I think of them as merely being a slut.
3.) I loved Trevor. I still love Trevor. I've accepted that I will always love Trevor. He'll always have a very special part of my heart. This doesn't mean that I'd get with him again if I had the chance.
4.) My stuffed animals still each have their own personality and needs in my mind. I feel guilty when more than one of them wants to be cuddled in a given night.
5.) When I talk about the future when I'm a grandmother, I feel like I'm lying to those I'm speaking with because I don't really believe that I'll live to be that old.
6.) I hate sexism and transphobia, but I'm afraid of males. Especially when they're angry.
7.) I'm annoyed by girls that are whiny with baggage and low self-esteem because they're nearly always better than me in my mind. It makes me think that I am lower than low.
8.) Trevor and I broke up because he spoiled me. He gave me someone who claimed to love me, understood me, never judged me, and forgave me. He was my rock, so I became too lazy to stand on my own. No one likes someone who's overly needy.
9.) I feared the mentally and physically challenged so much for many years that I was over 13 when I stopped resenting my mentally handicapped cousin.
10.) I know that I'm not cut out to be a non-conformist. I'm far too into social graces.
11.) Everything that I am, my very life, relies on secrecy.
12.) Sometimes I still wonder if my best friend is the love of my life.

I'm flip-flopping too much. I wish I could just commit suicide without worrying that I would leave my 2 best friends, the only ones who might not recover, alone.

I'm Standing in the crowd. When you smile I check you out

Today was pretty average. I keep thinking about Ariela. Why do I keep thinking about her? Because for some twisted, mildly masochistic reason, I'm crushing on her. Her facebook says she's straight and she's too hot for me anyways, but I can't help myself. She's hot, unique, a good singer, and I like what I know about her and her friends. Today, I couldn't even get up the guts to tell her that I liked her earring. (Yes, earring, not earrings. It was a Monster can top thing attached to the metal part that goes into your ear and it was AMAZING)
I'm nervous about tomorrow. It's the 6-month anniversary of something very bad that happened to me and I should keep my cool, but I'm not sure I can.

I'd Hate To Look Into Those Eyes and See an Ounce of Pain

I've been starting blogs, but not been able to finish, so...


The completed blog from Thursdsay:
Over a year ago now, I remember fighting with Trevor about Fall For You. For one, I didn't like the song because of this off key note they sing in it. Second, I believed that the song was about suicide. Now, I actually like the song. I somehow got it in my head today during math and realized even more just what it is about. I kept thinking of the lyrics

"But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find"

It's saying "Tonight I'm going to fall for you... again. Please don't make me struggle to fall out of love with you again. This cycle is so hard on me that I wanna to die to end it. It's like I'll never find anyone else to love."


Yesterday's rant:
Well, it's been another month feeling like this. Ugh.
What I've noticed: the ones that I really want to notice me, the ones I wish would care, don't. I wish that my presence mattered to at least one of them.


Today's blog:
Taylor dumped Trevor and I'm worried about him. He left YA Cafe early. That pretty much never happens. He was also in bed by 7. He usually goes to bed at 11...on school nights. I still hate to see him in pain, but I don't know what I can do to help.

Believe Me I Don't Wanna Go and It'll Grieve Me 'Cause I Love You So

I'm thinking about all the things people don't know. This one doesn't know about their cheating significant other(actually that is becoming something to be expected in my world than a scandal); that one doesn't know that they'll always be second best; the next one isn't over their ex. I've discovered that the old cliche "Ignorance is bliss." is one hell of an understatement.

On top of this, I've gotta big decision to make. Do I wanna go to another school in 11th and 12th grade? If so, what school? Can I afford it? Do I wanna move for the right reasons? I'm not sure of the answer to any of these questions, really.
I feel the need to go, to finally escape from seeing the same things and people that remind me to be miserable. Yet, I know what it's like to feel abandoned. I know what it's like to be left alone when the person leaving you doesn't realize how much you need them. I don't want to do that to any of my friends.

Today's blog compares love and drugs. Both get you high, make you attached to them, hurt you when you have to let the go, they blind you so that your reality is different, they become all you can think about...

It's Hard To Say I'd Rather Stay Awake

I'm sure at one point or another everyone feels the burden of knowledge. They wish they weren't in the position of deciding how public a certain tidbit of knowledge will be, but they are. That's me. I know something that my friend should know, but it will hurt them. It's bad news and I hate to see them in pain. On top of that, I'm worried that they'll shoot the messenger and I'll have to live with guilt; always wondering if I had made the right decision. Visions of the look of sadness on their face keep popping in my head. I feel like crying, bursting.

On a happier note, it was unexpected, but I finally understand why so many people like Adam Lambert(God he's hot). I am addicted to his song For Your Entertainment.

On an even BETTER note, I finished watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I feel like I accomplished something. After all, I spent over 108 hours of my life watching it. We started Angel AND OZ WAS IN IT! He's my favorite Buffy character and seeing him was THE SHHHHITTTTT!

We Still Don't Know What It Takes to Make It

Okay, here's the blog that is actually meant for today.

"I Don't Think I Love You" by Hoobastank gives me major flashbacks. It relates to my life so much it kinda scares me.

"I wonder what you'll take from me today
Sanity or just my breath away
It's hard to say
Impossible for me to tell
We're always walking on eggshells
Who you're going to be from day to day today"

That is how I felt when I could never tell whether I was still in love with Trevor or I hated him for what he did. It was the first time I actually understood why people say that love and hate are closely related.

"I wish that we could go back
To what we were before
But I don't think that I love you anymore, anymore"

This, I'm sure, is how Trevor felt.

"Wonder why it is that you don't see
What you've changed since we first met
And how much that it's killing me"

This is how I felt when I was talking to Trevor about how much I've changed since this time last year. He said that he hadn't changed since 9th or 10th grade. I was shocked that he could say that, honestly. I can see clear as day how he's changed since we got together; let alone before we were together.

"I know that I will always miss
The butterflies of our first kiss"

That lyric makes me taken aback. The combination of remembering what it was like to kiss Trevor for the first time and the feeling that someone else could put words to how I felt looking back makes me light headed.

"It's too hard to keep pretending
It's too hard to ignore
But I don't think that I love you anymore, anymore

I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I never thought that it will come to this
I know we'll never get back
To how we were before
Cuz I know that I don't love you anymore

It's too hard to keep pretending
It's too hard to ignore
But I know that I don't love you anymore, anymore"

Once again, Trevor's feelings about leaving me.


"What Happened To Us?" by Hoobastank is also my new theme song. Hoobastank just gets me, I guess. Wow, that's a really bad sign...

My blog that I started on Monday but never got posted:

I was right. I am finding Eclipse difficult to read. It's not that it has too high a reading level, it's that it's a romance novel and it reminds me of when I first started it. What part that doesn't cease to strike me is

" I didn't like to talk about that barren time with anyone, and especially not Edward. He had only been trying to save me when he'd left, trying to save my soul. I didn't hold him responsible for all the stupid things I'd done in his absence, or the pain I had suffered.
He did.
So I would have to word my explanation carefully."

The 2nd sentence reminded me of Trevor. When he left me he was trying to do the right thing for both of us.
The 3rd sentence was/is exactly my feelings. Well, how the part of me that could never hate Trevor has felt.
The final sentence was how I've felt when knowing that I had to talk to Trevor about how troubled I was by our break-up for the sake of my sanity.

I'll Try, But It's So Hard To Believe

One thing I've finally discovered: the things that bug me about Taylor are the things that remind me of myself. For example, she'll never be happy with what she has. I can remember few times when I was actually fully satisfied.
Now I wonder if that feeling of complete content was a result of a lie, so I'm struggling to believe that there are really people out there that make each other completely happy. I'm really trying hard to believe that there's even one person out there who will make me happy just by being them whom will be satisfied with all that I am. My plan is to increase my self-esteem so that my belief that I'm not attractive enough to find true love and I don't have the wonderful personality to make up for it will become more hidden. (I don't think that it will ever go away. It's pretty much always been there.) I need to keep hoping that someday I'll feel a feeling stronger than what I felt for Trevor and that feeling will be reciprocated because waiting for my life to be worth living just doesn't cut it.

My Inspiration

Good news! I finally got something out of my unhappiness! I was inspired today and wrote somethings that I thought were pretty good. I always feel insecure about my writing when I reread it, but I still think some of it is clever. I'll post it when I'm not too lazy... I'm chomping at the bit to go listen to music on my iPod so... baiiii

When the Roof Caved In and the Truth Came Out I Just Didn't Know What To Do

When I talk to Liz, she gets more emotional than I do. Then, she yells at Trevor. Next, I get shit for talking to her about what's on my mind in the 1st place.
I feel like crying because I am failing to make everything better. I talk to Liz, never knowing when she'll take something more seriously than I thought and flip shit at Trevor. Now it's gotten to the point where it seems to Trevor that all I do is make he and Taylor out to be assholes to Liz. He feels like Liz's only source of information on him is his word and me spurting out biased stories. He said something about me being a bitch for talking about Taylor in a bad way. He's never called me a bitch to my knowledge. I'm trying not to be offended, but it was meant to be offensive, so... I guess Liz is just another one on my list of people I can't talk to about them.

Yet to be titled poem

I opened my legs as I opened my heart
I let you in, knowing that it could hurt
You seeped into me
It easier over time
You planted your seed in me
It cannot be taken back
Nevertheless, you pulled away from
And leave me sore and broken