My blog that I started on Monday but never got posted:

I was right. I am finding Eclipse difficult to read. It's not that it has too high a reading level, it's that it's a romance novel and it reminds me of when I first started it. What part that doesn't cease to strike me is

" I didn't like to talk about that barren time with anyone, and especially not Edward. He had only been trying to save me when he'd left, trying to save my soul. I didn't hold him responsible for all the stupid things I'd done in his absence, or the pain I had suffered.
He did.
So I would have to word my explanation carefully."

The 2nd sentence reminded me of Trevor. When he left me he was trying to do the right thing for both of us.
The 3rd sentence was/is exactly my feelings. Well, how the part of me that could never hate Trevor has felt.
The final sentence was how I've felt when knowing that I had to talk to Trevor about how troubled I was by our break-up for the sake of my sanity.

I'll Try, But It's So Hard To Believe

One thing I've finally discovered: the things that bug me about Taylor are the things that remind me of myself. For example, she'll never be happy with what she has. I can remember few times when I was actually fully satisfied.
Now I wonder if that feeling of complete content was a result of a lie, so I'm struggling to believe that there are really people out there that make each other completely happy. I'm really trying hard to believe that there's even one person out there who will make me happy just by being them whom will be satisfied with all that I am. My plan is to increase my self-esteem so that my belief that I'm not attractive enough to find true love and I don't have the wonderful personality to make up for it will become more hidden. (I don't think that it will ever go away. It's pretty much always been there.) I need to keep hoping that someday I'll feel a feeling stronger than what I felt for Trevor and that feeling will be reciprocated because waiting for my life to be worth living just doesn't cut it.

My Inspiration

Good news! I finally got something out of my unhappiness! I was inspired today and wrote somethings that I thought were pretty good. I always feel insecure about my writing when I reread it, but I still think some of it is clever. I'll post it when I'm not too lazy... I'm chomping at the bit to go listen to music on my iPod so... baiiii

When the Roof Caved In and the Truth Came Out I Just Didn't Know What To Do

When I talk to Liz, she gets more emotional than I do. Then, she yells at Trevor. Next, I get shit for talking to her about what's on my mind in the 1st place.
I feel like crying because I am failing to make everything better. I talk to Liz, never knowing when she'll take something more seriously than I thought and flip shit at Trevor. Now it's gotten to the point where it seems to Trevor that all I do is make he and Taylor out to be assholes to Liz. He feels like Liz's only source of information on him is his word and me spurting out biased stories. He said something about me being a bitch for talking about Taylor in a bad way. He's never called me a bitch to my knowledge. I'm trying not to be offended, but it was meant to be offensive, so... I guess Liz is just another one on my list of people I can't talk to about them.

Yet to be titled poem

I opened my legs as I opened my heart
I let you in, knowing that it could hurt
You seeped into me
It easier over time
You planted your seed in me
It cannot be taken back
Nevertheless, you pulled away from
And leave me sore and broken

I'll Probably Always Have These Ugly Scars

Okay, I'd gone 5 whole days without thinking about suicide. It's something that I'm incredibly proud of, really. Today's thoughts weren't strong enough for me to do it today, so that's good I guess. Sunday's gonna be hell. Consequently, Saturday night will be hell. I'll want to stop Sunday from coming the only way I know how. Maybe making my postcard for postsecret will make me feel better...
What really bugs me lately is the little. Trotter compared to Chelsea, in a bad way. I went through every emotion that Michaela's feeling and more. Stuff like that.

6 Word Memiors

Can't live without my Green Day

Always this ridiculous obsession with love

Not staring, merely observing and daydreaming

I only felt hurt, none noticed.

Wanted to be your Gloria, Christian

I should be doing my homework

Was blinded, wanna see the light

Screw Winona, Johnny Depp is mine

Finally felt safe, warm and secure

Your piercing eyes penetrated my heart

Lost my virginity, can't regret it

I loved, I lost, what's next?

I pray that he'll never tell

I love my best friend more

What I gave can't be returned

Only certain of my sexual orientation