I'm flip-flopping too much. I wish I could just commit suicide without worrying that I would leave my 2 best friends, the only ones who might not recover, alone.

I'm Standing in the crowd. When you smile I check you out

Today was pretty average. I keep thinking about Ariela. Why do I keep thinking about her? Because for some twisted, mildly masochistic reason, I'm crushing on her. Her facebook says she's straight and she's too hot for me anyways, but I can't help myself. She's hot, unique, a good singer, and I like what I know about her and her friends. Today, I couldn't even get up the guts to tell her that I liked her earring. (Yes, earring, not earrings. It was a Monster can top thing attached to the metal part that goes into your ear and it was AMAZING)
I'm nervous about tomorrow. It's the 6-month anniversary of something very bad that happened to me and I should keep my cool, but I'm not sure I can.

I'd Hate To Look Into Those Eyes and See an Ounce of Pain

I've been starting blogs, but not been able to finish, so...


The completed blog from Thursdsay:
Over a year ago now, I remember fighting with Trevor about Fall For You. For one, I didn't like the song because of this off key note they sing in it. Second, I believed that the song was about suicide. Now, I actually like the song. I somehow got it in my head today during math and realized even more just what it is about. I kept thinking of the lyrics

"But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find"

It's saying "Tonight I'm going to fall for you... again. Please don't make me struggle to fall out of love with you again. This cycle is so hard on me that I wanna to die to end it. It's like I'll never find anyone else to love."


Yesterday's rant:
Well, it's been another month feeling like this. Ugh.
What I've noticed: the ones that I really want to notice me, the ones I wish would care, don't. I wish that my presence mattered to at least one of them.


Today's blog:
Taylor dumped Trevor and I'm worried about him. He left YA Cafe early. That pretty much never happens. He was also in bed by 7. He usually goes to bed at 11...on school nights. I still hate to see him in pain, but I don't know what I can do to help.

Believe Me I Don't Wanna Go and It'll Grieve Me 'Cause I Love You So

I'm thinking about all the things people don't know. This one doesn't know about their cheating significant other(actually that is becoming something to be expected in my world than a scandal); that one doesn't know that they'll always be second best; the next one isn't over their ex. I've discovered that the old cliche "Ignorance is bliss." is one hell of an understatement.

On top of this, I've gotta big decision to make. Do I wanna go to another school in 11th and 12th grade? If so, what school? Can I afford it? Do I wanna move for the right reasons? I'm not sure of the answer to any of these questions, really.
I feel the need to go, to finally escape from seeing the same things and people that remind me to be miserable. Yet, I know what it's like to feel abandoned. I know what it's like to be left alone when the person leaving you doesn't realize how much you need them. I don't want to do that to any of my friends.

Today's blog compares love and drugs. Both get you high, make you attached to them, hurt you when you have to let the go, they blind you so that your reality is different, they become all you can think about...

It's Hard To Say I'd Rather Stay Awake

I'm sure at one point or another everyone feels the burden of knowledge. They wish they weren't in the position of deciding how public a certain tidbit of knowledge will be, but they are. That's me. I know something that my friend should know, but it will hurt them. It's bad news and I hate to see them in pain. On top of that, I'm worried that they'll shoot the messenger and I'll have to live with guilt; always wondering if I had made the right decision. Visions of the look of sadness on their face keep popping in my head. I feel like crying, bursting.

On a happier note, it was unexpected, but I finally understand why so many people like Adam Lambert(God he's hot). I am addicted to his song For Your Entertainment.

On an even BETTER note, I finished watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I feel like I accomplished something. After all, I spent over 108 hours of my life watching it. We started Angel AND OZ WAS IN IT! He's my favorite Buffy character and seeing him was THE SHHHHITTTTT!

We Still Don't Know What It Takes to Make It

Okay, here's the blog that is actually meant for today.

"I Don't Think I Love You" by Hoobastank gives me major flashbacks. It relates to my life so much it kinda scares me.

"I wonder what you'll take from me today
Sanity or just my breath away
It's hard to say
Impossible for me to tell
We're always walking on eggshells
Who you're going to be from day to day today"

That is how I felt when I could never tell whether I was still in love with Trevor or I hated him for what he did. It was the first time I actually understood why people say that love and hate are closely related.

"I wish that we could go back
To what we were before
But I don't think that I love you anymore, anymore"

This, I'm sure, is how Trevor felt.

"Wonder why it is that you don't see
What you've changed since we first met
And how much that it's killing me"

This is how I felt when I was talking to Trevor about how much I've changed since this time last year. He said that he hadn't changed since 9th or 10th grade. I was shocked that he could say that, honestly. I can see clear as day how he's changed since we got together; let alone before we were together.

"I know that I will always miss
The butterflies of our first kiss"

That lyric makes me taken aback. The combination of remembering what it was like to kiss Trevor for the first time and the feeling that someone else could put words to how I felt looking back makes me light headed.

"It's too hard to keep pretending
It's too hard to ignore
But I don't think that I love you anymore, anymore

I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I never thought that it will come to this
I know we'll never get back
To how we were before
Cuz I know that I don't love you anymore

It's too hard to keep pretending
It's too hard to ignore
But I know that I don't love you anymore, anymore"

Once again, Trevor's feelings about leaving me.


"What Happened To Us?" by Hoobastank is also my new theme song. Hoobastank just gets me, I guess. Wow, that's a really bad sign...