"I think it's really cute that you think I don't know all of what I've said about you, almost as cute as how you much attention you crave =3" My next response

"I admit to calling you a lot of negative words, but whore is not one of them. You don't even put out, so stop assuming and putting words into my mouth" This is what I told Taylor via formspring WITH my name attached. I'm documenting it now so it can't be denied

When All I Needed Was the Truth

12 Truths:

1.) I am so loud, obnoxious, and outgoing because I want people to reject me right off the bat rather than when I've grown attached to them.
2.) Even though I'm bi, when I discover that someone else has taken on the label "bisexual", I think of them as merely being a slut.
3.) I loved Trevor. I still love Trevor. I've accepted that I will always love Trevor. He'll always have a very special part of my heart. This doesn't mean that I'd get with him again if I had the chance.
4.) My stuffed animals still each have their own personality and needs in my mind. I feel guilty when more than one of them wants to be cuddled in a given night.
5.) When I talk about the future when I'm a grandmother, I feel like I'm lying to those I'm speaking with because I don't really believe that I'll live to be that old.
6.) I hate sexism and transphobia, but I'm afraid of males. Especially when they're angry.
7.) I'm annoyed by girls that are whiny with baggage and low self-esteem because they're nearly always better than me in my mind. It makes me think that I am lower than low.
8.) Trevor and I broke up because he spoiled me. He gave me someone who claimed to love me, understood me, never judged me, and forgave me. He was my rock, so I became too lazy to stand on my own. No one likes someone who's overly needy.
9.) I feared the mentally and physically challenged so much for many years that I was over 13 when I stopped resenting my mentally handicapped cousin.
10.) I know that I'm not cut out to be a non-conformist. I'm far too into social graces.
11.) Everything that I am, my very life, relies on secrecy.
12.) Sometimes I still wonder if my best friend is the love of my life.

I'm flip-flopping too much. I wish I could just commit suicide without worrying that I would leave my 2 best friends, the only ones who might not recover, alone.

I'm Standing in the crowd. When you smile I check you out

Today was pretty average. I keep thinking about Ariela. Why do I keep thinking about her? Because for some twisted, mildly masochistic reason, I'm crushing on her. Her facebook says she's straight and she's too hot for me anyways, but I can't help myself. She's hot, unique, a good singer, and I like what I know about her and her friends. Today, I couldn't even get up the guts to tell her that I liked her earring. (Yes, earring, not earrings. It was a Monster can top thing attached to the metal part that goes into your ear and it was AMAZING)
I'm nervous about tomorrow. It's the 6-month anniversary of something very bad that happened to me and I should keep my cool, but I'm not sure I can.

I'd Hate To Look Into Those Eyes and See an Ounce of Pain

I've been starting blogs, but not been able to finish, so...


The completed blog from Thursdsay:
Over a year ago now, I remember fighting with Trevor about Fall For You. For one, I didn't like the song because of this off key note they sing in it. Second, I believed that the song was about suicide. Now, I actually like the song. I somehow got it in my head today during math and realized even more just what it is about. I kept thinking of the lyrics

"But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find"

It's saying "Tonight I'm going to fall for you... again. Please don't make me struggle to fall out of love with you again. This cycle is so hard on me that I wanna to die to end it. It's like I'll never find anyone else to love."


Yesterday's rant:
Well, it's been another month feeling like this. Ugh.
What I've noticed: the ones that I really want to notice me, the ones I wish would care, don't. I wish that my presence mattered to at least one of them.


Today's blog:
Taylor dumped Trevor and I'm worried about him. He left YA Cafe early. That pretty much never happens. He was also in bed by 7. He usually goes to bed at 11...on school nights. I still hate to see him in pain, but I don't know what I can do to help.

Believe Me I Don't Wanna Go and It'll Grieve Me 'Cause I Love You So

I'm thinking about all the things people don't know. This one doesn't know about their cheating significant other(actually that is becoming something to be expected in my world than a scandal); that one doesn't know that they'll always be second best; the next one isn't over their ex. I've discovered that the old cliche "Ignorance is bliss." is one hell of an understatement.

On top of this, I've gotta big decision to make. Do I wanna go to another school in 11th and 12th grade? If so, what school? Can I afford it? Do I wanna move for the right reasons? I'm not sure of the answer to any of these questions, really.
I feel the need to go, to finally escape from seeing the same things and people that remind me to be miserable. Yet, I know what it's like to feel abandoned. I know what it's like to be left alone when the person leaving you doesn't realize how much you need them. I don't want to do that to any of my friends.